So this article found its way into my mailbox this week. As tomorrow marks year four without my best friend, my mother, my grandmother, perhaps it was divine intervention that led it there? It was an article speaking of Surviving the Holidays While Grieving. (Elephant Journal). Particularly in this holiday season when we are bombarded with holiday “joy” it can be overwhelming and create a great deal of angst in those of us who have suffered a loss or trauma during this time of year.
For me like many, the holidays were once the highlight of the year. All things great and wonderful. Friends, family, laughter, food, gifts. Life. Full abundant life. Rich and lively with color. So many wonderful memories of our times together. Shopping, wrapping gifts, patting oysters, singing hymns. And most certainly decorating the house. And yes, the holiday socks. I could always count on the most awesome socks filling my stocking. She always knew just the right ones.
Then that day. The one we knew was coming. The one that maybe we selfishly wanted to just come so it could be over. The one that would forever leave a weeping wound. It was 5:23p Dec. 18th 2013 when she took her last breath saying I Love You one last time. Then she was gone. The room still, the air heavy. A warm comforting sensation around my body. My babies in her bed holding her tight. That day changed Christmas forever more.
Time froze and then it was Christmas Eve, a time that should have been filled with fellowship and song, with cookies and oysters, was instead a cold dreary day moving motionlessly through time from the funeral home, to the grave site, to the church social hall. Then finally home. Empty. Cold. and so very lonely.
Soon it would be spring and we would learn of our new baby to arrive in the late fall and the determination to move forward, be strong and find the happy in the sad triumphed.
Then it would be Christmas once more. And the story repeats itself though this time only as a painful and bitter memory. Year one done. Year two and three fairly similar. And here we are now a day away from year four. This year for a moment…a day… I wanted to decorate. The family is vacationing for the holiday together and there is a hint of childhood joy dancing gingerly around the season.
It is not easy to suffer loss no matter the time of year. The loss and the pain are no less. But when the grieving is compound on the conflict of moods and attitudes, it can be overwhelming. Know that there are many of us out there feeling the same way. And you know what, that’s okay.
In light and life loves!